Submission Vs Independance

I wonder sometimes how the two can go together.
What I mean is, take myself for an example.

I'm stubborn, independent, fiery, hot headed and opinionated. Sometimes, I'm downright bratty and argumentative. I say what I mean and mean what I say. There's times when I want to do things my way and no other way. There's times when I refuse to listen. All the complete opposite as what is defined as submissive and submission.

Definition of submissive:

1.
inclined or ready to submit; unresistingly or humbly obedient
2.
marked by or indicating submission: a submissive reply.



And yet, I class myself as submissive to S.

It's over the last three to four days that I started thinking how one could have these personality traits and yet consider themselves as a submissive. What led to this thinking was the following:

The past three days, barring today, I've been at my very best in regards to submission. That's not to say there isn't room for improvement of course, there always is. But right now, in this present moment I've really tried my best. I've done what I've been asked immediately, with no hesitations or complaints. I've followed rules and deadlines to the letter. I've addressed S as Sir at all times. I've even headed to the corner with no complaints or questions when asked, whereas usually my answer would be something along the lines of "but why? I didn't do anything!" I've been called good girl more over these three days than I have in the last six months. One comment made to me told me how he was both pleased and proud and how I was a good girl, all in the same sentence. That was a first, as I've never had that together before now.

At one point he asked me if I preferred my submission now or as it was before these three days. Because in all honesty; it was never perfect or even close to perfect. I thought about it for a while before I answered and came to the following conclusion:

I can't decide right now, simply because it's too soon. I like both of them and can't choose which I like better. I've felt closer mentally, physically and emotionally these past few days when my submission was at its best...but at the same time, I love how it was before, too. Because I was much more playful and sarcastic. And we all know how sarcasm is a trademark of mine, and how playful I can get at times. But then, this led me to thinking how when I get playful or sarcastic sometimes I go too far. I don't mean to, it just sort of happens. And before you know it, it's changed from playfulness or sarcasm into outright brattiness or dis-respectfulness and before I can blink I'm either in the corner or being flogged.

And the strange thing is, before these three days began I didn't make any conscious decision to try harder or to be better in terms of submission, it just sort of happened and neither of us were expecting it. And I actually loved it. I loved the fact I was doing so well, that he was pleased and proud, and I adored each and every singe "good girl." And the fact I loved it so much pushed me to try even harder, to keep getting better, to keep striving to make him happy with me.

And then...then I woke this morning in a decidedly un-submissive mood. At one point he asked me what had changed, why I wasn't continuing on as before, if there was any reason for it. Was I feeling low physically or emotionally? Was there something bothering me? Was anything bothering me personally or in regards to D/s?

And the answer was a resounding no. I was just peachy, thank you very much. It was just that I didn't feel submissive in the slightest and was feeling extremely independent and stubborn and hey, I didn't want to do this or that, so stop ordering me about damn it!

And yet...even though I didn't want to do that, or follow orders or listen to him in any way shape or form (Gotta love the independent stubborn brat in me.) subconsciously I knew that this wasn't the way to go about it, because all it would do is succeed in causing confusion between us as to why my moods had changed so quickly, and why I'd found submission so easy before yet was now finding it extremely difficult to follow even the simplest of orders. But I just couldn't stop it and continued this way. I even told him I'm feeling very independent right now. (Translate into: stubborn!)

And that's how these thoughts came about. Can you have both submission and independence simultaneously or will they always fight each other for control? How do you find that balance?