Submission Vs Independance

I wonder sometimes how the two can go together.
What I mean is, take myself for an example.

I'm stubborn, independent, fiery, hot headed and opinionated. Sometimes, I'm downright bratty and argumentative. I say what I mean and mean what I say. There's times when I want to do things my way and no other way. There's times when I refuse to listen. All the complete opposite as what is defined as submissive and submission.

Definition of submissive:

1.
inclined or ready to submit; unresistingly or humbly obedient
2.
marked by or indicating submission: a submissive reply.



And yet, I class myself as submissive to S.

It's over the last three to four days that I started thinking how one could have these personality traits and yet consider themselves as a submissive. What led to this thinking was the following:

The past three days, barring today, I've been at my very best in regards to submission. That's not to say there isn't room for improvement of course, there always is. But right now, in this present moment I've really tried my best. I've done what I've been asked immediately, with no hesitations or complaints. I've followed rules and deadlines to the letter. I've addressed S as Sir at all times. I've even headed to the corner with no complaints or questions when asked, whereas usually my answer would be something along the lines of "but why? I didn't do anything!" I've been called good girl more over these three days than I have in the last six months. One comment made to me told me how he was both pleased and proud and how I was a good girl, all in the same sentence. That was a first, as I've never had that together before now.

At one point he asked me if I preferred my submission now or as it was before these three days. Because in all honesty; it was never perfect or even close to perfect. I thought about it for a while before I answered and came to the following conclusion:

I can't decide right now, simply because it's too soon. I like both of them and can't choose which I like better. I've felt closer mentally, physically and emotionally these past few days when my submission was at its best...but at the same time, I love how it was before, too. Because I was much more playful and sarcastic. And we all know how sarcasm is a trademark of mine, and how playful I can get at times. But then, this led me to thinking how when I get playful or sarcastic sometimes I go too far. I don't mean to, it just sort of happens. And before you know it, it's changed from playfulness or sarcasm into outright brattiness or dis-respectfulness and before I can blink I'm either in the corner or being flogged.

And the strange thing is, before these three days began I didn't make any conscious decision to try harder or to be better in terms of submission, it just sort of happened and neither of us were expecting it. And I actually loved it. I loved the fact I was doing so well, that he was pleased and proud, and I adored each and every singe "good girl." And the fact I loved it so much pushed me to try even harder, to keep getting better, to keep striving to make him happy with me.

And then...then I woke this morning in a decidedly un-submissive mood. At one point he asked me what had changed, why I wasn't continuing on as before, if there was any reason for it. Was I feeling low physically or emotionally? Was there something bothering me? Was anything bothering me personally or in regards to D/s?

And the answer was a resounding no. I was just peachy, thank you very much. It was just that I didn't feel submissive in the slightest and was feeling extremely independent and stubborn and hey, I didn't want to do this or that, so stop ordering me about damn it!

And yet...even though I didn't want to do that, or follow orders or listen to him in any way shape or form (Gotta love the independent stubborn brat in me.) subconsciously I knew that this wasn't the way to go about it, because all it would do is succeed in causing confusion between us as to why my moods had changed so quickly, and why I'd found submission so easy before yet was now finding it extremely difficult to follow even the simplest of orders. But I just couldn't stop it and continued this way. I even told him I'm feeling very independent right now. (Translate into: stubborn!)

And that's how these thoughts came about. Can you have both submission and independence simultaneously or will they always fight each other for control? How do you find that balance?

When The Brain Goes On Vacation

*Warning: D/s and sexual content.*




Sometimes, my brain decides to go on a vacation. It leaves the rest of my body behind, my back and ass in particular, whilst it lounges happily upon a hammock wondering which cocktail to have next.

The other night was one of its vacations. That's the only explanation for what happened. I'd been skating on thin ice for most of the day yet somehow miraculously I always managed to get back behind it. My brain returned from vacation and stepped in to save the day just in time.

Only, once we got into bed it clearly decided enough was enough and it needed a longer vacation than a few hours at a time. So it packed its bags and off it went. And as soon as it did so my mind started thinking decidedly un-submissive thoughts and my mouth thought it was a good idea to actually say them out loud.

S wasn't impressed in the slightest and voiced his thoughts on my behaviour but I didn't want to listen and I didn't want to think about it. How could I think about it? My brain was suspiciously absent! So I continued with the un-submissive thoughts and words, and the eye rolling and the huffing and the sarcastic comments. I even went as far as to directly disobey an order (or two or three...) and turned my back on him.

Now, I enjoy my submission. It is a gift I give freely to S and he respects it and treasures it. I enjoy making him happy via my submission. But that night? That night I didn't want to be submissive. I was more like a kid throwing a tantrum because they can't have the toy they want.

And I just couldn't stop it! The words kept tumbling out as did the disrespectfulness and disobedience. S had had enough and tried to pull me towards him and I huffed and moved out of reach. So he did the thing I wanted the least-he reached under the bed. That means paddle or cane or flogger.  Sometimes it may mean restraints or certain toys I dislike. It might mean the damn crop. All. Very. Bad. Things.

So what did I do? Did I know I had it coming? Absolutely! Did I admit that and accept that? Hell no! Instead when he told me I was going to be flogged, I pouted and mumbled (also in a very disrespectful tone) "Don't want to be flogged. Don't want it. Nope!" I was certainly getting the spoiled kid act down to perfection.

He sighed at the same time my brain returned from its vacation. Better think fast, it told me. So I thought fast-very fast. Why was I acting like this? He hadn't done anything that had upset me or hurt me. He hadn't asked me to do anything I didn't want to and he hadn't refused to allow me to do anything that I'd asked for over the course of the day. We were getting along perfectly. So why was I so irritable?

It didn't take long to figure it out-frustration. The previous few days he had had me edge several times but never allowed me to achieve orgasm. I was sexually frustrated and it was becoming apparent in the way I was acting. He'd even, at one point, offered to allow me to reach orgasm in the morning. I'd refused, claiming I wanted it now or not at all. So very submissive, I know...

My brain started to quickly fire off directions and instructions. First up: Apology. But...I wasn't sorry. And I wasn't going to say it without meaning it. So a second later when he asked if I was sorry I told him no, but I want to be. I was surprised when he chose not to admonish me for my response, instead he told me that the fact I wanted to be sorry was in fact very good. His response made me smile to myself. And with his response, my mood quickly started to change. I thought about how lucky I am with how well he can read me. I can never hide anything from him. I thought about how well he had just handled my response. Admonishing me would have made me feel even more bratty and resentful, but indirectly telling me I was in effect being good by what I actually wanted worked on opening me up, on allowing my resentment to start slipping away, on focusing on how well he handles such situations and my moods. It made me realize I cherish him and his authority and it helped me begin to get my head into a more submissive mind-set...where it should have been all along.

I didn't want to be disrespectful or a brat. I didn't want to directly disrespect him, either and yet I was clearly doing that with my words and actions. I hate when he is unhappy with me and I love when he is pleased with me. So why was I acting the way I knew would cause him to be unhappy?

Yes, I was frustrated. But my attitude and behaviour wasn't the right way to go about voicing it. My brain was finally back in residence with the current switched on. So I turned to him and asked to be restrained. I knew it would help me achieve a submissive mind set much more quickly. Yes, I was starting to feel much more submissive already but not completely-there was that small part of me silently screaming that I still wanted my own way.

Within five to ten minutes of my hands being restrained together, I could finally apologise to him and actually mean it this time along with offering to sleep with my hands still restrained as some part of compensation for my earlier attitude. S accepted my offer and was still kind enough to repeat that the choice of orgasm the following day was still on the table.

I.
Refused.
It.

I must be nuts, right? I actually refused it, when it was that very thing that was frustrating the heck out of me. But I refused because, quite simply, I didn't feel like I deserved it. Not with the way I had spoken and acted towards him. So I thanked him and asked him to take that offer away and not give it back until he felt I did genuinely deserve it.

And hopefully that wont be too long, because after whispering it a little secret, my brain is no longer hopping off to destinations unknown.