Sometimes, my brain decides to go on a vacation. It leaves the rest of my body behind, my back and ass in particular, whilst it lounges happily upon a hammock wondering which cocktail to have next.
The other night was one of its vacations. That's the only explanation for what happened. I'd been skating on thin ice for most of the day yet somehow miraculously I always managed to get back behind it. My brain returned from vacation and stepped in to save the day just in time.
Only, once we got into bed it clearly decided enough was enough and it needed a longer vacation than a few hours at a time. So it packed its bags and off it went. And as soon as it did so my mind started thinking decidedly un-submissive thoughts and my mouth thought it was a good idea to actually say them out loud.
S wasn't impressed in the slightest and voiced his thoughts on my behaviour but I didn't want to listen and I didn't want to think about it. How could I think about it? My brain was suspiciously absent! So I continued with the un-submissive thoughts and words, and the eye rolling and the huffing and the sarcastic comments. I even went as far as to directly disobey an order (or two or three...) and turned my back on him.
Now, I enjoy my submission. It is a gift I give freely to S and he respects it and treasures it. I enjoy making him happy via my submission. But that night? That night I didn't want to be submissive. I was more like a kid throwing a tantrum because they can't have the toy they want.
And I just couldn't stop it! The words kept tumbling out as did the disrespectfulness and disobedience. S had had enough and tried to pull me towards him and I huffed and moved out of reach. So he did the thing I wanted the least-he reached under the bed. That means paddle or cane or flogger. Sometimes it may mean restraints or certain toys I dislike. It might mean the damn crop. All. Very. Bad. Things.
So what did I do? Did I know I had it coming? Absolutely! Did I admit that and accept that? Hell no! Instead when he told me I was going to be flogged, I pouted and mumbled (also in a very disrespectful tone) "Don't want to be flogged. Don't want it. Nope!" I was certainly getting the spoiled kid act down to perfection.
He sighed at the same time my brain returned from its vacation. Better think fast, it told me. So I thought fast-very fast. Why was I acting like this? He hadn't done anything that had upset me or hurt me. He hadn't asked me to do anything I didn't want to and he hadn't refused to allow me to do anything that I'd asked for over the course of the day. We were getting along perfectly. So why was I so irritable?
It didn't take long to figure it out-frustration. The previous few days he had had me edge several times but never allowed me to achieve orgasm. I was sexually frustrated and it was becoming apparent in the way I was acting. He'd even, at one point, offered to allow me to reach orgasm in the morning. I'd refused, claiming I wanted it now or not at all. So very submissive, I know...
My brain started to quickly fire off directions and instructions. First up: Apology. But...I wasn't sorry. And I wasn't going to say it without meaning it. So a second later when he asked if I was sorry I told him no, but I want to be. I was surprised when he chose not to admonish me for my response, instead he told me that the fact I wanted to be sorry was in fact very good. His response made me smile to myself. And with his response, my mood quickly started to change. I thought about how lucky I am with how well he can read me. I can never hide anything from him. I thought about how well he had just handled my response. Admonishing me would have made me feel even more bratty and resentful, but indirectly telling me I was in effect being good by what I actually wanted worked on opening me up, on allowing my resentment to start slipping away, on focusing on how well he handles such situations and my moods. It made me realize I cherish him and his authority and it helped me begin to get my head into a more submissive mind-set...where it should have been all along.
I didn't want to be disrespectful or a brat. I didn't want to directly disrespect him, either and yet I was clearly doing that with my words and actions. I hate when he is unhappy with me and I love when he is pleased with me. So why was I acting the way I knew would cause him to be unhappy?
Yes, I was frustrated. But my attitude and behaviour wasn't the right way to go about voicing it. My brain was finally back in residence with the current switched on. So I turned to him and asked to be restrained. I knew it would help me achieve a submissive mind set much more quickly. Yes, I was starting to feel much more submissive already but not completely-there was that small part of me silently screaming that I still wanted my own way.
Within five to ten minutes of my hands being restrained together, I could finally apologise to him and actually mean it this time along with offering to sleep with my hands still restrained as some part of compensation for my earlier attitude. S accepted my offer and was still kind enough to repeat that the choice of orgasm the following day was still on the table.
I.
Refused.
It.
I must be nuts, right? I actually refused it, when it was that very thing that was frustrating the heck out of me. But I refused because, quite simply, I didn't feel like I deserved it. Not with the way I had spoken and acted towards him. So I thanked him and asked him to take that offer away and not give it back until he felt I did genuinely deserve it.
And hopefully that wont be too long, because after whispering it a little secret, my brain is no longer hopping off to destinations unknown.
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