I've been sick, and in being sick I've been testy and temperamental. Bratty. Argumentative. Fighting tooth and claw to get my own way about absolutely everything, when there really wasn't any need. There were times I was trying to get on with things and asked to go to him or to do something that was well within my capabilities sick or not, and I bitched about it or continually kept putting things off.
I was sick and grouchy and I didn't want to be told what to do, I wanted to be left alone and if I chose to follow an order then I'd take my own sweet time in doing so because hey: sick and you're lucky I'm choosing to follow it at all!
When he tried to talk to me about it I responded curtly and aggressively and if he repeated it I'd bite his head off and then sulk and pout when he reminded me there was no need for that. I'd raise my voice at him and if he placed his hand on my neck or shoulder, kissed my forehead or caressed my cheek, I'd turn away and tell him I just wanted to be left by myself.
That's been me for the past few days. He didn't deserve it, I knew he didn't deserve it and yet I just couldn't stop it! He tried so many times to talk to me and to communicate in the hopes of working things out but I just wasn't listening. Things eventually came to a head after I spent a long time alone rehashing the things I'd said and the way that I'd acted towards him. Why was I causing him pain when it was within my power to end it and rectify it? Because I was being stubborn and my pride was getting the better of me. I knew I should apologise, I knew I was the one at fault-but I didn't want to. Some of the times I raised my voice or said harsh words a small part of me was hoping he would take control of the situation by simply taking me upstairs for a flogging, whether I protested or not. But I was too proud and stubborn to admit this.
My pride and stubbornness were holding me back and not allowing me to go to him, to fix things between us and move forward. And it wasn't healthy in the slightest. He was hurting and confused, and I was hurting and feeling guilt and shame for the way I was treating him. Something had to change.
And as soon as I acknowledged this and accepted the fact I was the one at fault I felt much more willing and able to communicate and work things through. I didn't want to hurt him or cause him pain and not only had I done so I was causing him even more by refusing to allow us to communicate between ourselves, despite his best efforts and countless attempts. I didn't want that. I didn't want us to drift apart and resent each other. I love him and need him; and as soon as I realized I needed to go to him, to be with him, I also realized he knew this all along. It's why he repeatedly kept asking me to talk and open up, and kept coming back and trying to hug or kiss me even though my responses were never what he wanted, and he most likely knew they wouldn't be yet still kept insisting and trying.
So when he came to me the next time I told him I was sorry and he led me to the couch where we sat and cuddled whilst we talked things through.
Being sick meant that there's been little D/s and no floggings, spankings or canings which had started to make me feel invulnerable, safe and independent. And starting to feel independent meant I started to drift away from him both physically and emotionally, which wasn't good for either of us. I started to feel like I didn't need him, I could cope with things all by my lonesome and I was just peachy doing so. And the longer it went on, the further away I drifted and the more apparent this newfound independence became. It started to manifest itself in the middle of our relationship and while I thought it was okay and it could work, it clearly wasn't because it wasn't just showing that I could manage alone but it was in fact driving us apart in such a negative manner. Being sick probably made it seem even more apparent because I wasn't in a good place physically to begin with which then leaked into my emotional state.
I managed to voice my feelings into a jumble of words and tried to make him understand what I was experiencing and he understood it completely yet couldn't understand why I hadn't talked to him sooner and told him how I was feeling. If I'd gone to him sooner or allowed him to come to me on one of the many times he tried we could have avoided several days of negative feelings and emotions.
Stubbornness, pride and independence all worked together and almost succeeded in convincing me that I didn't need to go to him, to talk to him, to open up and be close. It was only when I started listening to submission that I finally made the right call and did the right thing.
In doing so it allowed us to fix things between us and begin to move forward feeling content once again and even though I knew I'd be punished for it, the flogging was a small price to pay for that. It hurt like crazy yet as soon as the first blow landed I felt the negative emotions start to leave me, knowing that this would be helping him immensely in dealing with his own anger and hurt. The lecture, as always, was well timed and extremely effective to the point it had me stay as still as I could each time a blow fell. The two of them work extremely well together and I doubt either would be as effective on its own.
I learned that whilst independence is certainly a good thing, sometimes it simply has no place. And from now on
