Sometimes, I get one of those moods upon me. You know the type, the one where you bounce around with countless energy, find your sarcasm highly amusing and don't care if it's said at the most inappropriate of times and you generally act like a five year old kid hyped up on sugar. Those kinds of moods.
Now, those moods would be fine if you're not going to be held accountable to them sometime later but when you are held accountable it pretty much sucks. And at the time, your mind is telling you you're eventually going to pay for it and yet you just can't seem to stop yourself.
I tend to get these moods at night when we're in bed and about to sleep. All of a sudden my brain starts rapidly firing thoughts into my mind and I just have to share them with him. He'll put up with it for a while before eventually telling me to settle down and sleep and I'll listen to him-for about two minutes. Then I think of something else that just has to be said too. He'll listen and respond and then tell me he's already asked me to sleep and this is my last warning. If I start again I'll be spanked or flogged or caned. Anything that involves blasted instruments attacking my ass.
So I'll be quiet for a few minutes and then I'll think of another thing that I absolutely need to tell him right now! I'll mull it over in my mind and argue with myself:
You don't want to be spanked or flogged or caned.
But I need to tell him this!
You'll regret it, just wait until morning.
But I'll have forgotten it by then most likely!
He warned you, and you know he'll carry out his threat.
It's just a quick thing though, he wont mind.
It's not about minding; it's about the fact he's asked you to sleep and you're ignoring him.
I'm not ignoring him, I just want to tell him this teensy thing. I'll be super quick and then straight to sleep!
Be as quick as you want, it wont save your ass.
Oh shut up, he wont mind.
And so on it goes, until eventually that sneaky devil knocks that angel flying into the next room.
And so I'll roll closer to him and tell him whatever super important thing I'd thought of, which is followed by complete silence and eventually a sigh and then he'll roll over and reach under the bed during which time I've dived back under the covers, turned over and am somehow extremely sleepy all of a sudden. Imagine that.
But now that I'm extremely sleepy; he suddenly isn't and will remove the covers so that I'm not protected in my little cocoon that I just managed to create in three seconds flat and ask me to turn over. I'll complain and say it was the last thing, I'm sorry, I'll sleep now, this really isn't necessary or needed in any way and I'll plead for a few minutes before eventually giving up and rolling over, all the while huffing and sighing about it. And sometimes, I'll even throw in a sarcastic comment for good measure or ask innocently "But I thought you were tired?" I might even throw in more sarcastic comments during the first few swats.
And afterwards when it's over, he'll ask me if I'm feeling more submissive, if it was worth it and if I wish to sleep now...err, yes, no and yes?!
This pattern happens most nights and sometimes I wonder why I insist on repeating it-I know what's going to happen and I know I'll be held accountable for it and yet I just keep pushing and pushing until it eventually happens. It makes me wonder if subconsciously I'm craving it and needing it even though I don't really want it.
Ah, the perplexities of the human mind.
Ever have one of those days where you know you should be listening, but you'd much rather be off doing your own things? After all, who needs rules? Rules were made to be broken and all that...so the past few days you could say I've been a little temperamental and consistently ignored orders.
That's all well good until you start being reminded of why those rules were set in the first place, and when I say reminded I actually mean lectured. Who needs those also?
I guess I should back up a little bit. I'm not allowed to drink alcohol without express permission, because it interferes with both my health and my medication. But on Sunday the thought kept flitting across my mind: "Just one, just a small one, that wont do any harm!"
You might very well agree that one small glass wont do any harm...what is extremely harmful is not getting the permission that I needed first. I thought about it, really I did! And then I decided it would be rude to wake him up-I'm such a considerate girlfriend and just wanted him to get his beauty sleep.
What I really wanted, was that one small glass and I didn't want to be told no in any way shape or form. So I went to the only logical solution.
I poured that glass.
Without.
Express.
Permission.
And as I took the first sip I decided oh surely he wont be mad, it's just a small glass and it's been a while. But then the night wore on and I suddenly realized not only had I drank the first glass, I'd also poured a second and a third. And maybe even more. I'm not too sure on the correct number, my head was a little fuzzy by then.
And when he woke and came downstairs to see what I was doing and why I wasn't in bed, he could tell immediately I had ha alcohol and asked me straight out about it. I flashed him the most submissive smile I could muster combined with answering in a pleading voice and told him just a teensy bit.
He wasn't happy. At all.
But the funny thing about alcohol is, is that whereas usually I'd be much more careful and subservient towards rules, it makes you just not give a damn! And I went to pour another one...right in front of him! Even though I knew he wasn't happy. But I didn't care. I was happy, and talking online to friends and listening to music and rather hyperactive. And my mushed up brain knew I was going to be in trouble the day after but just couldn't convince me there and then of how bad it was.
This would have been bad enough on its own, but I just had to go and add to it. Why get in trouble for just this? If I'm getting in trouble I might as well do it in style and go all out. So when I went and flopped into bed at some god forsaken hour and he started to remind me of my rules, I just wanted to sleep. I didn't want to listen, I didn't want to be lectured and I didn't want to know I had punishments in the very near future.
So you know what I did?
I rolled over, looked him straight in he eye and said
Yes. I actually said that. I actually told him to shh!
As soon as I said it, I knew I'd just made things several times worse. He's told me before now he doesn't like it and to stop saying it when I once said it playfully. So I guess saying it and actually meaning it just earned me some severe discipline.
When I woke a few hours later you'd think my brain would have registered the fact of how deep my hole was...but no! I wasn't done yet. I realized I'd overslept and missed a doctor's appointment AND I'd forgotten to take my medication before I went to sleep...again.
Upon remembering this one simple thought flashed through my mind:
I didn't want to tell him...but knew I had to. So I kind of mumbled it from underneath my pillow, followed quickly with the fact I really didn't mean to forget, I knew that was very, very bad and that I'd be punished for it.
He pointed out the first time that I forgot my medication could have been forgiven, it was completely accidental. But the second time and missing the doctors appointment both happened because of the alcohol. I'd completely forgotten because I was oh so merry from it.
Merry from that alcohol that I was not allowed, because I didn't have permission to drink it. Not only did I not have that permission, I never even asked for it, I just took it upon myself to ignore one of the most fundamental rules he had put in place for me. I'd missed my medication and would soon start to feel the effects of that and I'd missed a very important doctor's appointment. Lack of medication meant that I was lacking energy and I'd fallen behind on the housework and chores and now I wouldn't be my normal self for at least a couple of days. I'd blatantly disregarded a rule, which led to breaking others inadvertently and I'd succeeded in upsetting and disappointing him immensely.
The lecture went on but those were the words that really stuck in my mind.
Why had I been so insistent and disregarded that particular rule, knowing how seriously he values and how much he cares for my health? The answer was simple: I'd been stubborn and selfish and placed my own wants before his, not caring about the consequences nor about the fact I knew every rule he lays down is in my best interest. I'd hurt him by refusing to get the permission beforehand when I'd previously agreed to do so; which was and is the last thing I would ever want.
I'd disappointed him by placing my health last on my list of priorities when he spends every day taking care of it and aiming for me to love and take care of myself the way he does.
And that's the worst feeling...not the fact there is a severe punishment close on the horizon, but the fact I hurt and upset him. If only I could take it back, I'd do it in a heartbeat. But that isn't the way life works and I'm mature and intelligent enough to know that consequences have actions. I had complete control over my actions and I'm completely at fault for them.
I guess the only thing left to do is accept the punishment without making excuses and I just have one final thing to state..
