Needing Versus Wanting

Sometimes, I get one of those moods upon me. You know the type, the one where you bounce around with countless energy, find your sarcasm highly amusing and don't care if it's said at the most inappropriate of times and you generally act like a five year old kid hyped up on sugar. Those kinds of moods.

Now, those moods would be fine if you're not going to be held accountable to them sometime later but when you are held accountable it pretty much sucks. And at the time, your mind is telling you you're eventually going to pay for it and yet you just can't seem to stop yourself.

I tend to get these moods at night when we're in bed and about to sleep. All of a sudden my brain starts rapidly firing thoughts into my mind and I just have to share them with him. He'll put up with it for a while before eventually telling me to settle down and sleep and I'll listen to him-for about two minutes. Then I think of something else that just has to be said too. He'll listen and respond and then tell me he's already asked me to sleep and this is my last warning. If I start again I'll be spanked or flogged or caned. Anything that involves blasted instruments attacking my ass.

So I'll be quiet for a few minutes and then I'll think of another thing that I absolutely need to tell him right now! I'll mull it over in my mind and argue with myself:

You don't want to be spanked or flogged or caned.

But I need to tell him this!

You'll regret it, just wait until morning.

But I'll have forgotten it by then most likely!

He warned you, and you know he'll carry out his threat.

It's just a quick thing though, he wont mind.

It's not about minding; it's about the fact he's asked you to sleep and you're ignoring him.

I'm not ignoring him, I just want to tell him this teensy thing. I'll be super quick and then straight to sleep!

Be as quick as you want, it wont save your ass.

Oh shut up, he wont mind.


And so on it goes, until eventually that sneaky devil knocks that angel flying into the next room.

And so I'll roll closer to him and tell him whatever super important thing I'd thought of, which is followed by complete silence and eventually a sigh and then he'll roll over and reach under the bed during which time I've dived back under the covers, turned over and am somehow extremely sleepy all of a sudden. Imagine that.

But now that I'm extremely sleepy; he suddenly isn't and will remove the covers so that I'm not protected in my little cocoon that I just managed to create in three seconds flat and ask me to turn over. I'll complain and say it was the last thing, I'm sorry, I'll sleep now, this really isn't necessary or needed in any way and I'll plead for a few minutes before eventually giving up and rolling over, all the while huffing and sighing about it. And sometimes, I'll even throw in a sarcastic comment for good measure or ask innocently "But I thought you were tired?" I might even throw in more sarcastic comments during the first few swats.

And afterwards when it's over, he'll ask me if I'm feeling more submissive, if it was worth it and if I wish to sleep now...err, yes, no and yes?!

This pattern happens most nights and sometimes I wonder why I insist on repeating it-I know what's going to happen and I know I'll be held accountable for it and yet I just keep pushing and pushing until it eventually happens. It makes me wonder if subconsciously I'm craving it and needing it even though I don't really want it.

Ah, the perplexities of the human mind.